dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
