No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
