We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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