theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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