She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
