I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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