The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everclear isn't food dammit
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
