Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
