I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
