No stitches, just platelets and will power
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
