Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
