I must be too annoying 4 u.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
