I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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