I only kidnapped one of them. chill
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
