Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
