I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
