why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
