I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
