I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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