We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
