someone threw a dead crab at me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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