don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
