Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
