ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
