plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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