I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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