he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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