You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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