I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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