Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
