whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
