Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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