Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
