he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
