I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
