I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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