Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
