When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
