just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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