Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
