So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
