I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
