I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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