The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
