She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
as a side note pls kill me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
