I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
