This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
