Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
