Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
this just has baby written all over it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
