Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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