he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
